Reason to Celebrate

Ray Lewis and Art Modell, shining pieces of silver
 

It’s been much too long between Super Bowls for bible-babbling Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis.  It’s tragic, criminal, much as Ray-Ray himself is tragic and criminal. . . .

But Art will never know because, alas, Art is dead.

See more reason to celebrate at the News Lampoon

'Fly-gate' raises eyebrows

Many are searching for explanations, but logical ones are hard to find. Your best bet might be capturing one of the flies and asking it for answers. Televangelist Pat Robertson believes the inhabitants of the infernal regions could provide them. “Have you ever heard of Beelzebub?” he asked recently on his 700 Club program. “Well, in ancient Hebrew, this name means ‘Lord of the flies.’ So, when we discover that we have a fly-blown president, and these insects are of a kind that one could categorize as 'familiars,' one has to wonder if we are indeed entering the end-times. At the very least, it’s a disturbing development." Read the the rest of the story. . . .

Invisible Killer Rays!

According to recent news stories, Wi-Fi rays are killing my sperm, but my cell phone will not give me brain cancer anymore, though if I put it in my front pants pocket, it, too, will kill my sperm.  I don’t believe it, the part about cell phones no longer causing brain cancer.  Like milk and eggs, red wine and red meat, one week it’s okay, the next it’s something different.  Someday soon a scientific study will put cell phones back on the cancer-causing list, and if not, then what about my cordless phone?

Read more at The News Lampoon

The News Lampoon's Person of the Year

We at the News Lampoon are pleased to announce our 2010 Person of the Year: Michael Vick. Come on, give the man another dog!

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Red-hot tips wanted!

In the wake of the tragic, unwarranted arrest of WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange, a hero whose only flaw is that he's allegedly raped a few women, the News Lampoon affirms its solidarity with Mr. Assange by launching Take-a-Leak. So remember: if you have a hot tip, Take-a-Leak!

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Have You Seen Me?

Millions of turkeys are slaughtered each year in remembrance of a time that most American Indians would just as soon forget, seeing as their ancestors went the way of our above-pictured friend; that is, murdered by the white man! So Happy Bloody Thanksgiving, America! (This goes for Columbus Day, too!)

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The King James Version

Losing LeBron: The King Who Never Really Was

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