Invisible Killer Rays!

According to recent news stories, Wi-Fi rays are killing my sperm, but my cell phone will not give me brain cancer anymore, though if I put it in my front pants pocket, it, too, will kill my sperm.  I don’t believe it, the part about cell phones no longer causing brain cancer.  Like milk and eggs, red wine and red meat, one week it’s okay, the next it’s something different.  Someday soon a scientific study will put cell phones back on the cancer-causing list, and if not, then what about my cordless phone?

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The News Lampoon's Person of the Year

We at the News Lampoon are pleased to announce our 2010 Person of the Year: Michael Vick. Come on, give the man another dog!

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Red-hot tips wanted!

In the wake of the tragic, unwarranted arrest of WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange, a hero whose only flaw is that he's allegedly raped a few women, the News Lampoon affirms its solidarity with Mr. Assange by launching Take-a-Leak. So remember: if you have a hot tip, Take-a-Leak!

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Have You Seen Me?

Millions of turkeys are slaughtered each year in remembrance of a time that most American Indians would just as soon forget, seeing as their ancestors went the way of our above-pictured friend; that is, murdered by the white man! So Happy Bloody Thanksgiving, America! (This goes for Columbus Day, too!)

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The King James Version

Losing LeBron: The King Who Never Really Was

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The News Lampoon Portia de Rossi Fan Club!

We don’t know what exactly to attribute this to—her beauty, her gayness, her talent? All of the above?—but we’re going with it!

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Byron Gordon's Long-awaited Fourth Installment to His Epic

We Love You, Mister President!

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