Obama Berlin speech probably not all that great!

'A bunch of noise' to one, boring to another, ignored by the rest

German Village, Ohio--I'd been dozing during the John McCain speech here at Schmidt's Sausage Haus und Restaurant when I heard a faint, tinny sound below the drone of Candidate McCain's voice. I opened my eyes and saw the other reporter covering the event listening to something on his headphones.

"What're you listening to?" I asked.

"Obama's speech," he said.

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Breck Boy busted! Exposed as rat!

Pretty-boy Edwards caught by 'Enquirer' with his pants down during late-night rendezvous with a 'real dog'!

See the rest of this story of love, betrayal, hypocrisy, bestiality, and rat-itude!

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'Nigger' off limits to whites!

Goldberg says 'nigger'

A week or two ago, the Rev. Jesse Jackson was caught by a "hot" FOX News microphone saying Barack Obama has been "telling niggers how to behave." This is what spawned The View's "nigger" discussion. In short, Jackson caused the whole "nigger" problem.

See the rest of this . . . story!

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Welcome to the Big Leagues, Asshole!

Obama campaign decries 'The New Yorker' magazine's satirical rendering as 'tasteless'

And what is it exactly about the word "satire" that has you so confused? Does it say anywhere that it's nice? Who besides you wants to see "tasteful" satire? Oh, wait, we get it now--you thought you and your big-mouthed wife were somehow off limits. . . .

See the rest of this tastefully satirical story . . . not!

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10 Predictions for the home stretch

The final months of the 2008 election season will be charged with sex and violence, making it the most interesting since '68

By Jerry Nostradamus, News Lampoon Seer

Jerry Nostradamus is a descendent of renowned seer Michel Nostradamus. Click here to see Jerry's frightening predictions!

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Welcome back, Richard!

After completing perhaps his most challenging assignment ever, a stint in rehab following a humiliating, 4:00 a.m. methamphetamine/sex-toy bust in New York's Central Park, a rejuvenated though perhaps less-manically energetic Richard Quest is back on the job at CNN International. Congrats, Richard! We never lost faith.
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'Black hole" deemed racially insensitive term

Read more at about this spacey story at www.newslampoon.com

'Cut his nuts out'

. . . Reverend Jackson says . . .

"Well, they were hurtful and wrong, that's the whole point," Jackson said of his words. "And when you make mistakes you should not equivocate. You should be quick to go into offensive and not try to be evasive. And if it was said to him personally or in some public forum it would be even more hurtful. In this case, my error was responding to a question before a live mic. And so when he does hear them they will not be helpful; they will be hurtful. We have a relationship that can survive this."

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Flash: Harry Reid blames Bush!

Prune-faced senate majority leader calls President Bush "a drag"

Be proud, Nevada! You've got a child-abuser for a senator. You should be kicked out of the West. I'd ask New Mexico to do it, but they have a pussy for a Governor.

Read more about the prune-faced senator!

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Wolfson joins FOX!

Some call it a strange hybrid; I call it love at first bite

By Ariel Trebuchet, News Lampoon columnist

"I guess they're really hot for him," the staffer said. The words made me quiver with excitement, but I was skeptical because what he had told me seemed unnatural, almost taboo. I knew I had to be careful.

"I'll return the favor when this is confirmed," I said.

"C'mon! Stop teasing," the staffer pleaded. "I really need it now!"

He'd never let me down before, so after a little more probing, I decided to chance it, even though the thought of giving it to him in that filthy alley made my skin crawl.

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NBC to buy The Weather Channel

Biased weather feared

NEW YORK--With NBC Universal's announcement Sunday that they had reached a deal to buy The Weather Channel from Landmark Communications Inc. come fears by many from the right that NBC will provide weather coverage with a liberal "slant."

According to one source, General Electric, NBC's parent company, is already planning to influence the weather with top-secret technology it has been working on for some time. The source claims that the technology would enable insiders to not only predict the weather but provide the weather.

"Imagine the effect this could have on, say, a presidential election," said the source. "What if Barack Obama could cause it to rain in drought-stricken areas, or provide sun for Seattle? He would become even more of a God-like figure than he is already."

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An apology to our many readers

We fucked up, but in the scheme of things . . .

I was reeling in this big old fucking fish when it came to me. This thing came out of the ocean, man! This big, had to be old, fucking fish was the biggest one I had ever seen, but with the ocean and sky backdrop, it somehow occurred to me that this monster doing all these incredible spiraling flips with the hook at the end of my line in its mouth wasn't, in the scheme of things, that big a deal after all, so I let him go.

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