Warning: 'Fitna' contains footage of death and violence

The News Lampoon is opposed to censorship of any kind, so we will continue to make 'Fitna' available to our visitors.

Click here to see the English version of 'Fitna' in its entirety.

www.newslampoon.com

Stop radical islamic fascism and its efforts to rule the world!

"Fitna"--a film by Geert Wilders

March 28, 2008--We do not hate Muslims, provided they don't go around killing people, but we don't care much for their religion. We don't care much for any religion. Christianity is just as bad as Islam, probably worse, historically. Jews have done their fair share of faith-based killing, too. Like the Koran, the Bible is chock full of violence and calls to violence. If you don't believe us, look it up. If you still don't believe us, you're probably an idiot, so your opinion doesn't matter to us anyway.

One thing we won't do if you don't believe us is cut off your head or send some brainwashed kid sporting an exploding belt to your home to try to blow you up. What you believe is not that important to us. We don't need to change the way you think or feel to make ourselves think and feel better of and about ourselves. We're not power-hungry or greedy enough to try to make you believe that some faceless, chicken-shit god wants you to give your money to us so that you can then go to heaven and sing praises as you fuck 77 beautiful virgins (though that would make some of us want to sing). We don't care if you're a "fag" or a "lesbo." We don't care who you're trying to fuck, as long as it's not some innocent little kid or animal.

Click on the link below to view Fitna.

www.newslampoon.com

L.A. Times duped by 'gangsta' doughboy!

News Lampoon threatening lawsuits

March 27, 2008--Last week this reporter posted a story on the News Lampoon about an L.A. Times article obtained through the Drudge Report concerning allegations by an alleged rap-world insider who claims Sean "Diddy" Combs was involved in the ambush and murder of fellow rapper Tupac Shakur. The Smoking Gun website reported yesterday that the L.A. Times story was false, which makes the News Lampoon story double false.

In light of this appalling development, the News Lampoon is considering filing lawsuits against the L.A. Times, the Drudge Report, and the "gangsta" doughboy who started it all--James Sabatino.

Read more about this fabricated story!

www.newslampoon.com

Chris Matthews stalking Obama

Keeps sending 'creepy' love notes, text messages

March 26, 2008--The Barack Obama campaign has requested that federal authorities investigate MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews because of "creepy" text messages and handwritten love notes he has been sending to Obama.

"This is very painful," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe when asked to confirm the story, "because Chris has been one of our staunchest supporters. Hardball has saved us millions in advertising dollars. We don't bother airing commercials during his show because Hardball has been an hour-long commercial in itself, and we are grateful to Chris for that. But if he does something weird, and I didn't try to protect Barack, I would never forgive myself."

See the rest of this creepy story!

www.newslampoon.com

Dazed actress threatens Chris Matthews

'Arrested Development' star arrested

By Lex Goldman, Entertainment correspondent

March 25, 2008--Police say Hollywood actress Portia de Rossi was tousled and disoriented when they apprehended the former “Arrested Development” star outside Rockefeller Plaza Saturday morning.

De Rossi was wearing burlap and sporting a recently shaved head when she threatened political commentator Chris Matthews from a crowd gathered outside NBC Studios for a taping of the Today Show.

Witnesses said the actress appeared to be angered by Matthews’ well-publicized appearance on Ellen DeGeneres’ talk show Wednesday.

See the rest of this arresting story!

www.newslampoon.com

Barack's granny fires back!

Denounces 'former grandson' via text message

Barack Obama's 86-year-old grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, who has come to be known by many as "Granny Dunham," has been, according to the Obama campaign, "unavailable for comment" to media.

After discovering that this poor woman is "unavailable" only because her treacherous grandson is having her held prisoner in Hawaii, we at the News Lampoon smuggled a cell phone into the heavily-guarded compound (paid for with Obama campaign funds) where Granny is being held.

Though some might think that hiring a high-end prostitute to perform this task is unethical, we decided, after much heated discussion, to go ahead and do it anyway. Frankly, we were worried about Granny Dunham.

See Granny's heartbreaking message.

www.newslampoon.com

Cheney paving way for next war

Iranians thinking about nukes poses threat

Vice President Cheney:
"They could possibly be thinking about the possibility of restarting their nuclear weapons development program."

See the rest of this puzzling story!

www.newslampoon.com

Barack throws Granny under the bus!

Calls 82-year-old grandmother white racist!

While seeking to save his own skin, Barack Obama displays cowardice by throwing his granny under the bus while defending racist pastor Jeremiah Wright!

Read the rest of this story of betrayal!

www.newslampoon.com

Combs more powerful than FBI!

Feds frustrated by Diddy's riches

Former FBI agent:
"These rappers have more money than we do. P Diddy alone has four times as much money as the CIA and the FBI combined. With this money they are able to buy better equipment and hire smarter people than we can. It's frustrating. The average FBI agent's IQ has dropped significantly in the past 20 years, and this is directly attributable to rappers. The FBI has become the equivalent of the public defenders office."

See the rest of this smart story!

www.newslampoon.com

Trinity says goodbye to spiritual icon

Congregation sets controversial Pastor Jeremiah Wright afloat on Lake Michigan!

By Herm Welty, Political correspondent

March 17, 2008, Chicago--The soothing rhythm of a Negro spiritual filled the crisp air at daybreak Sunday as more than 600 well-heeled members of Trinity United Church of Christ gathered on the icy shores of Lake Michigan to say farewell to a spiritual icon.

Tears ran down the cheeks of church elders when they pushed with long poles a thirty-ton block of ice into the wind-whipped white caps.

Read the rest of this chilling story!

www.newslampoon.com

Barack not audacious!

Pastor Jeremiah Wright calls Obama 'chicken shit'; wants book title returned; Obama joining white church
"Typical of Barack, he couldn't come up with his own title. He had to plagiarize mine. If you want to know the truth, I didn't know about Barack's book until after it was published. I've been told that most of the content of the book is taken from other people's lives. I heard Barack say yesterday that he is nothing but a bunch of little pieces of America. Maybe he should use that as a title. Or is that already taken? Not that it would matter to Barack."

See the rest of this story of betrayal!

www.newslampoon.com

Some Skies Too Friendly?

Woman suing airline after finding 'sticky substance' in her hair!

Read this startling story!

www.newslampoon.com

Another B.O. aide secret memo found

Memo assures French Foreign Minister U.S. 'will be there' for France

According to the memo, an Obama presidency would be dedicated to finding new ways to rebuild goodwill between the U.S. and France, first of which would be to strike down smoking bans in U.S. cities. "As a smoker, Barack Obama understands the importance of being free to have a smoke anywhere one wants to, including government buildings, restaurants, hospitals, churches, and daycare centers," the memo reads. "As a further gesture of goodwill, every French man and woman entering the United States will be given a free carton of Marlboros.

Read more of the secret memo!

www.newslampoon.com

Bow Wow Wow!

N.Y. Governorship goes to the dogs!

March 13, 2008, New York--You Fool! You paid 4,300 bucks for that? You humiliated your wife and three teen-aged daughters for that? You betrayed your friends and citizenry for that?

"That" has the deliciously melodramatic name Ashley Dupre. Formerly known as "Kristen the high-end prostitute," Ashley is the woman who helped bring down the Governor of New York.

Wow! er, bow wow. . . .

Read the rest of this study in bad taste.

www.newslampoon.com

Would the real George Fox please stand up?

Client 9's mysterious alter-ego

March 12, 2008--When Eliot Spitzer, Governor of the State of New York, signed in at the the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC, to engage in unlawful sex with Kristen the high-end prostitute, he used the name "George Fox."

Not a bad alias, Eliot. Believable but clever. Solid yet lively. A little Father of Our Country mixed with canine trickster. In short, a perfect "John" alias, signaling to the discerning high-end call girl the promise of a "date" with a man of means who is not too boring, the promise of both quick cash and a quick orgasm.

See the Real George Fox!

www.newslampoon.com

Client 9, Client 9, Client 9 . . .

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-end high jinks

March 11, 2008, New York--Have you ever heard the Beatles' nightmarish Revolution #9? It was on The White Album, and is sort of a cut-and-paste montage of spooky-sounding chants, disembodied voices, and cacophony. Yoko (with John's help) put it together, so that should tell you something. Paul, George, and Ringo didn't like it. Nobody did. It wasn't music. Running throughout is one voice (a dead maitre d's?) saying, "Number 9, number 9, number 9. . . ."

It used to scare the crap out of me.

Welcome to hell, Eliot Spitzer, aka the Governor of New York, aka "Client #9."

Read more about Client #9!

www.newslampoon.com

Talibanders to U.S.: 'Send more money'

Terrorists' electronics not up to date

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

March 10, 2008, Kabul, Afghanistan--The Taliban fighter handed me a cup of green tea and said, "I should kill you."

I set the cup down on the concrete floor where we sat facing each other, cross-legged on thin rugs. The curtains drawn, the room was dark. The interview was being conducted in secret, in a concrete Taliban "safe house"--if there is such a thing as a Taliban safe house. "If you divulge identity," said the Talibander, "I will kill you."

"You haven't told me your name," I said.

Read the rest of this terrorizing story!

www.newslampoon.com

Ray Nagin: 'I Am A Vagina-Friendly Mayor'

Welcomes Vagina to to New Orleans, says, 'I'm in!'

See the rest of Nagin's warmly-received comments!

www.newslampoon.com

Eight-year-old lawyer being sued!

Bar Association fears damage to reputation

From wire reports

March 8, 2008--In an unprecedented display of solidarity, lawyers around the world have united to file a class-action suit against an 8-year-old boy who passed an entrance exam to a Brazilian law school.

The boy, Joao Victor Portellinha, has set up an office in Sao Paulo and has already earned over $2,000,000. "Being a lawyer is easy," said little Joao. "All you have to do is lie, and they give you money. It's fun!

See your Eight-year-old lawyer

www.newslampoon.com

Obama aide calls Hillary a Monster!

Also calls former First Lady 'unattractive'; photos seem to support assertions

By Tanya Murgatroyd, special to the News Lampoon

March 7, 2008--A Barack Obama aide finally said out loud in an interview with The Scotsman in London what the Obama camp has been whispering since 2005: Hillary Clinton is "unattractive."

In addition to saying Senator Clinton is unattractive, Samantha Power, Obama's key foreign policy aide, told the Scotsman's Gerri Peev that "[Hillary] is a monster, too – that is off the record . . ."

Oops! Too late, said The Scotsman editors. That is on the record, Ms. Power.

Read this rest of this mean-spirited story!

www.newslampoon.com

David Motari likes chillin' 'n killin' puppies!

Liked hangin' with friends too--'Whatever happened to Semper Fi?'

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

March 6, 2008--Hiding out in his mom's basement "gets a little lonely," says U.S. Marine and puppy killer David Motari, "but I'm sure this'll all blow over soon."

This reporter wouldn't bet on it.

Read more about this great patriot!

Obama says 'No short people'

Doesn't want any 'shrimps' around him or in his line of sight!

Read this politically incorrect story!

Hillary Kicks Obama's Ass!

Wins 3 of 4 States!

www.newslampoon.com

Author's harrowing tale a complete fabrication!

Why not just call it fiction?

By Bruno Spinoza, News Lampoon body-language expert

March 4, 2008, Cleveland--I started reading it, but I couldn't stand it anymore, so I threw it away. They asked me because they know that I know about that kind of s--t. Oops. Excuse my French. But all you have to do is look at her face to know that she's a liar.

Read a Complete Fabrication

www.newslampoon.com

God endorses Obama!

'I shall use All My Resources,' saith The Lord!

From a revelation

March 3, 2008, Chicago--Appearing in the form of Minister Louis Farrakhan of Chicago, Barack Obama's home town, The Lord announced early this morning his endorsement of Senator Obama for president.

See God

www.newslampoon.com

R.I.P. William F. Buckley, Jr.

March 2, 2008

The passing this week of William F. Buckley, Jr. leaves me with much the same feeling, though slightly more intense, as did the passing of Gore Vidal, with whom Buckley sparred. The feeling is one of emptiness, if emptiness can be intense.

Read the rest of this tribute to William F. Buckley, Jr.

Give 'em hell, Harry!

British prince now al Qaeda target; 'A little late, aren't they?' quips Harry

March 1, 2008--After 10 weeks of terrorizing Islamic terrorists, Prince Harry of Great Britain has finally been declared a "legitimate target" by al Qaeda.

"A little late, aren't they," quipped the prince early this morning. "I've been sending the buggers to Allah for weeks!"

www.newslampoon.com