NewsLampoon.com Blog

The News Lampoon's Person of the Year

2010-12-17T10:36:00.002-05:00

We at the News Lampoon are pleased to announce our 2010 Person of the Year: Michael Vick. Come on, give the man another dog!

The News Lampoon

Red-hot tips wanted!

2010-12-14T07:50:00.004-05:00

In the wake of the tragic, unwarranted arrest of WikiLeaks boss Julian Assange, a hero whose only flaw is that he's allegedly raped a few women, the News Lampoon affirms its solidarity with Mr. Assange by launching Take-a-Leak. So remember: if you have a hot tip, Take-a-Leak!

The News Lampoon

Have You Seen Me?

2010-11-25T05:38:00.000-05:00

Millions of turkeys are slaughtered each year in remembrance of a time that most American Indians would just as soon forget, seeing as their ancestors went the way of our above-pictured friend; that is, murdered by the white man! So Happy Bloody Thanksgiving, America! (This goes for Columbus Day, too!)

The News Lampoon

The King James Version

2010-08-26T19:26:00.001-04:00

Losing LeBron: The King Who Never Really Was

The News Lampoon

The News Lampoon Portia de Rossi Fan Club!

2010-08-14T10:00:00.002-04:00

We don’t know what exactly to attribute this to—her beauty, her gayness, her talent? All of the above?—but we’re going with it!

The News Lampoon

Byron Gordon's Long-awaited Fourth Installment to His Epic

2010-07-28T14:24:00.000-04:00

We Love You, Mister President!

NewsLampoon.com

Another Letter to Our Many Readers

2010-07-23T16:47:00.002-04:00

It’s hard sometimes to write every single day about anything, let alone egotistical politicians, talking heads, and celebrities. Sure, it’s fun to make fun of Nancy Pelosi or Glen Beck or LeBron James, but to do so you have to pay attention to what they do and say before you can skewer them. It wears you down, makes you long for death.

See more of this navel-gazing and whining at NewsLampoon.com

Why Cleveland (and just about everyone else) Hates Joe Scarborough so Much

2010-06-25T07:12:00.002-04:00

An in-depth report by Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter.

Joe claims he resigned his congressional seat in 2001 to spend more time with his kids; he tells us this again and again, ad nauseam, as if trying to convince himself. Oh, yeah, and there was also the matter of the dead girl found in his Florida office. . . .

Read more about this stunningly superficial man at newslampoon.com

Frogs

2010-03-27T18:49:00.000-04:00

Frogs are getting the shaft!

Read more at News Lampoon.

Barry Hannah--A Great American Writer

2010-03-05T16:01:00.000-05:00

The News Lampoon mourns the death of Barry Hannah.

newslampoon.com

The link to the Huffington Post has been deleted as the News Lampoon is anti-censorship, and the once-kinda-good-lookin' Arianna,apparently, is not

2010-02-12T20:25:00.002-05:00

The Huffington Post masquerades as a reader-friendly place, but they censor comments from anyone who doesn't hold to their point of view.

newslampoon.com

We Love You, Mister President, Canto 3, released today!

2009-12-28T16:21:00.002-05:00

To read the latest installment of News Lampoon poet Byron Gordon's new epic, please the the link below:

The News Lampoon, Twisted News, Humor & Satire

We Love You, Mister President! Canto 2 out today!

2009-12-20T07:24:00.003-05:00

Read Canto the Second of News Lampoon poet Byron Gordon's epic presidential saga--in verse!

Click here!

We Love You, Mister President!

2009-12-12T20:10:00.003-05:00

We at the News Lampoon welcome poet Byron Gordon to our ranks. Byron tells us he was an English major at a good two-year college and has written and read “lots of poems.” He seems to know quite a bit about poetry, and we look forward to seeing more of what he can do. So get busy, Byron! We’re hard-working scribblers here at the News Lampoon and have no time to “sit on our laurels"!

Click the link to read Canto One of Byron's new epic: "We Love You, Mister President!"

Macho Man's Mountain of Bullshit!

2008-12-15T08:17:00.006-05:00

Sean Penn--the Ed Wood of writing

This is the worst piece of crap I've ever read. Most of my English comp students could have done much better. Hey, Sean, regarding commas: "When in doubt, leave them out." You're a hell of an actor, and you should stick to it. This "piece" is the equivalent of a "B" movie--poorly done and unintentionally funny. You should have called it "Mountain of . . ." well, you can guess the rest.

See the rest of this story at www.newslampoon.com

Obama Berlin speech probably not all that great!

2008-07-25T05:13:00.002-04:00

'A bunch of noise' to one, boring to another, ignored by the rest

German Village, Ohio--I'd been dozing during the John McCain speech here at Schmidt's Sausage Haus und Restaurant when I heard a faint, tinny sound below the drone of Candidate McCain's voice. I opened my eyes and saw the other reporter covering the event listening to something on his headphones.

"What're you listening to?" I asked.

"Obama's speech," he said.

Catch the rest of this Not-all-that-great story!
www.newslampoon.com

Breck Boy busted! Exposed as rat!

2008-07-23T23:37:00.002-04:00

Pretty-boy Edwards caught by 'Enquirer' with his pants down during late-night rendezvous with a 'real dog'!

See the rest of this story of love, betrayal, hypocrisy, bestiality, and rat-itude!

www.newslampoon.com

'Nigger' off limits to whites!

2008-07-22T04:45:00.001-04:00

Goldberg says 'nigger'

A week or two ago, the Rev. Jesse Jackson was caught by a "hot" FOX News microphone saying Barack Obama has been "telling niggers how to behave." This is what spawned The View's "nigger" discussion. In short, Jackson caused the whole "nigger" problem.

See the rest of this . . . story!

www.newslampoon.com

Welcome to the Big Leagues, Asshole!

2008-07-13T23:25:00.003-04:00

Obama campaign decries 'The New Yorker' magazine's satirical rendering as 'tasteless'

And what is it exactly about the word "satire" that has you so confused? Does it say anywhere that it's nice? Who besides you wants to see "tasteful" satire? Oh, wait, we get it now--you thought you and your big-mouthed wife were somehow off limits. . . .

See the rest of this tastefully satirical story . . . not!

www.newslampoon.com

10 Predictions for the home stretch

2008-07-13T08:49:00.004-04:00

The final months of the 2008 election season will be charged with sex and violence, making it the most interesting since '68

By Jerry Nostradamus, News Lampoon Seer

Jerry Nostradamus is a descendent of renowned seer Michel Nostradamus. Click here to see Jerry's frightening predictions!

www.newslampoon.com

Welcome back, Richard!

2008-07-11T08:34:00.001-04:00

After completing perhaps his most challenging assignment ever, a stint in rehab following a humiliating, 4:00 a.m. methamphetamine/sex-toy bust in New York's Central Park, a rejuvenated though perhaps less-manically energetic Richard Quest is back on the job at CNN International. Congrats, Richard! We never lost faith.
www.newslampoon.com

'Black hole" deemed racially insensitive term

2008-07-10T09:59:00.001-04:00

Read more at about this spacey story at www.newslampoon.com

'Cut his nuts out'

2008-07-09T20:52:00.002-04:00

. . . Reverend Jackson says . . .

"Well, they were hurtful and wrong, that's the whole point," Jackson said of his words. "And when you make mistakes you should not equivocate. You should be quick to go into offensive and not try to be evasive. And if it was said to him personally or in some public forum it would be even more hurtful. In this case, my error was responding to a question before a live mic. And so when he does hear them they will not be helpful; they will be hurtful. We have a relationship that can survive this."

www.newslampoon.com

Flash: Harry Reid blames Bush!

2008-07-09T10:15:00.001-04:00

Prune-faced senate majority leader calls President Bush "a drag"

Be proud, Nevada! You've got a child-abuser for a senator. You should be kicked out of the West. I'd ask New Mexico to do it, but they have a pussy for a Governor.

Read more about the prune-faced senator!

www.newslampoon.com

Wolfson joins FOX!

2008-07-08T09:31:00.002-04:00

Some call it a strange hybrid; I call it love at first bite

By Ariel Trebuchet, News Lampoon columnist

"I guess they're really hot for him," the staffer said. The words made me quiver with excitement, but I was skeptical because what he had told me seemed unnatural, almost taboo. I knew I had to be careful.

"I'll return the favor when this is confirmed," I said.

"C'mon! Stop teasing," the staffer pleaded. "I really need it now!"

He'd never let me down before, so after a little more probing, I decided to chance it, even though the thought of giving it to him in that filthy alley made my skin crawl.

See the rest of this sexy story!

www.newslampoon.com

NBC to buy The Weather Channel

2008-07-07T12:53:00.002-04:00

Biased weather feared

NEW YORK--With NBC Universal's announcement Sunday that they had reached a deal to buy The Weather Channel from Landmark Communications Inc. come fears by many from the right that NBC will provide weather coverage with a liberal "slant."

According to one source, General Electric, NBC's parent company, is already planning to influence the weather with top-secret technology it has been working on for some time. The source claims that the technology would enable insiders to not only predict the weather but provide the weather.

"Imagine the effect this could have on, say, a presidential election," said the source. "What if Barack Obama could cause it to rain in drought-stricken areas, or provide sun for Seattle? He would become even more of a God-like figure than he is already."

See the rest of this chilling story

www.newslampoon.com

An apology to our many readers

2008-07-06T07:01:00.002-04:00

We fucked up, but in the scheme of things . . .

I was reeling in this big old fucking fish when it came to me. This thing came out of the ocean, man! This big, had to be old, fucking fish was the biggest one I had ever seen, but with the ocean and sky backdrop, it somehow occurred to me that this monster doing all these incredible spiraling flips with the hook at the end of my line in its mouth wasn't, in the scheme of things, that big a deal after all, so I let him go.

See the rest of this incredible fish story

www.newslampoon.com

What would you do?

2008-04-29T11:27:00.001-04:00

In support of the 'Ranting Rev'

April 29, 2008--What if someone you had loved and supported for twenty years had, in order to advance his career, publicly ridiculed you? What if you had taken this person under your wing, had, in a sense, adopted him? How would his betrayal make you feel?

Furthermore, what if that person's denunciation of you consisted of lies? What would you do?

See more betrayal!

www.newslampoon.com

Obama a politician!

2008-04-25T08:57:00.001-04:00

Barack's former pastor makes shocking revelation!

Barack is a politician? This will come as shocking news to many Obama supporters, especially Barack's legions in the news media. Why has the Pastor exposed Barack? And the prospect of an Obama presidency gave us such hope. . . .

Could we have been hoodwinked?

Please excuse me while I clean the tears off my keyboard.

Read the rest of this shocking revelation!

www.newslampoon.com

Quest tries to hang himself from genitals!

2008-04-21T05:15:00.006-04:00

CNN 'personality' found with 'favorite sex toy'

CNN reporter Richard Quest was busted over the weekend in Central Park. The New York papers report that it was "not immediately clear" what poor Richard was up to at 3:40 in the morning with his favorite sex toy tucked away in his boot other than he helpfully told police: "I've got some meth in my pocket."

Some are speculating that just because Richard also had a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals and was with another man in the closed park that he might have been engaged in some sort of "hanky panky," but I've got a different theory.

Read more about Richard's Quest!

www.newslampoon.com

News Lampoon staff to go on 'forced hiatus'

2008-04-07T03:45:00.002-04:00

Publisher cites blogger deaths; workers fear brainwashing, heavier work load

The most ominous-sounding part of the memo informing us about the "hiatus" is the "free counseling (attendance mandatory)" paragraph. Mark my words: they're going to try to brainwash us into working more hours for less pay. He'll also try to get us on board with this "Draft Jesse Ventura" thing. If they try any of that crap on me, I'm walking.

See the rest of this disturbing story!

www.newslampoon.com

"Draft Jesse" Update!

2008-04-04T11:25:00.005-04:00

Ventura agrees with 9/11 theorists!

April 4, 2008--We at the News Lampoon were startled and somewhat disappointed to learn that Governor Jesse Ventura said in an interview on the Alex Jones Show that he agreed with conspiracy theorists who contend the government lied to the American public about the circumstances surrounding the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Governor Ventura cited Loose Change, an hour-and-a-half-long film available on the Internet, as influencing him to change his opinion.

After watching Loose Change ourselves, we agree that it brings up disturbing questions. We think we better understand the Governor's position and are not prepared to write him off as a "wack job," as so many others have done. While we are not yet prepared to join the conspiracy theorists, we are looking into the matter and will let you know our opinion after we've thoroughly investigated both sides' claims.

In the meantime, we continue to support the "Draft Jesse" movement and urge you to watch Loose Change and decide for yourselves.

www.newslampoon.com

Could a Paul/Ventura tag team body-slam the Dem/Rep Powers That Be?

2008-04-03T10:06:00.002-04:00

Some of us would like to find out

What do you say, America? Think we can convince Congressman Paul to draft Jesse? Isn't it at least worth a try? Or are you willing to settle for more of the same unfulfilled promises and lies? I, for one, think it would be refreshing to be able to believe what a candidate says, whether I completely agree with said candidate's positions or not. I'm sick of these poll-watching, finger-to-the-wind, spineless, party-line wimps being in charge of this great country. How have we allowed this to happen?

Call me irresponsible, say that "if you don't vote, don't bitch," say whatever you like, but if there's no one worth voting for, I'm not voting. I'll join the Governor and start calling for "None of the Above"--and wait for the Revolution to truly begin.

Read more about the Revolution!

www.newslampoon.com

Draft Jesse!

2008-04-02T11:53:00.001-04:00

Paul/Ventura might be just the ticket to shake things up

April 2, 2008--Last night, Jesse Ventura appeared on Larry King's show and, as usual, made waves. Though he said the door to the presidency was all but closed for him, he did leave his fans some hope by not definitively saying that he would not run. He also caught the interest of Ron Paul's fans.

Most of us had thought the Paul candidacy was over, but as Yogi Berra said, "It ain't over till it's over." Or was it Hillary who said that?

Whether you think it's a good idea or not, you have to admit that a Paul/Ventura ticket would make things very, very interesting. First, Paul would probably have to get out of the Republican party and run as some sort of Independent. I confess ignorance as to how that works. This is not a "real news" site, and I'm not a political scientist. I'm a hack writer/editor who likes to make fun of people. The thought of watching arrogant Republicans and whiny Democrats squirm, well--to paraphrase how Chris Matthews described his Obama crush--makes my legs tingle. That, I admit, is a large part of the reason I would love to see this ticket printed. I want to see Jesse place a strangle hold on the the Republicans and Democrats and then body slam 'em.

Hamas children's video is poorly produced!

2008-04-01T09:34:00.002-04:00

Not very convincing

Video Review

By Bruno Spinoza, News Lampoon body-language expert

April 1, 2008, Cleveland--Why they made me review this piece of garbage, I don't know. I guess they think the body-language expert is supposed to do all the s*** nobody else wants to do. This is puppets we're talking about. What kind of body language do puppets have?

I guess I could talk about the dialogue. In the first place, if I could reach through the screen and grab whoever's doing the talking and strangle them, I would. They're talking in these real high, sissy-sounding voices. Very irritating. In the second place, it's fake because everyone knows President Bush can barely speak English, let alone Jewish. Even if he did speak Jewish, to make it realistic they would have to make him screw up some of the words, and I didn't see anything like that here. I guess I could watch it again to make sure, but there's no way I'm watching this piece of s*** again.

See the Hamas poorly-produced video!

www.newslampoon.com

Warning: 'Fitna' contains footage of death and violence

2008-03-31T04:50:00.000-04:00

The News Lampoon is opposed to censorship of any kind, so we will continue to make 'Fitna' available to our visitors.

Click here to see the English version of 'Fitna' in its entirety.

www.newslampoon.com

Stop radical islamic fascism and its efforts to rule the world!

2008-03-27T23:01:00.002-04:00

"Fitna"--a film by Geert Wilders

March 28, 2008--We do not hate Muslims, provided they don't go around killing people, but we don't care much for their religion. We don't care much for any religion. Christianity is just as bad as Islam, probably worse, historically. Jews have done their fair share of faith-based killing, too. Like the Koran, the Bible is chock full of violence and calls to violence. If you don't believe us, look it up. If you still don't believe us, you're probably an idiot, so your opinion doesn't matter to us anyway.

One thing we won't do if you don't believe us is cut off your head or send some brainwashed kid sporting an exploding belt to your home to try to blow you up. What you believe is not that important to us. We don't need to change the way you think or feel to make ourselves think and feel better of and about ourselves. We're not power-hungry or greedy enough to try to make you believe that some faceless, chicken-shit god wants you to give your money to us so that you can then go to heaven and sing praises as you fuck 77 beautiful virgins (though that would make some of us want to sing). We don't care if you're a "fag" or a "lesbo." We don't care who you're trying to fuck, as long as it's not some innocent little kid or animal.

Click on the link below to view Fitna.

www.newslampoon.com

L.A. Times duped by 'gangsta' doughboy!

2008-03-27T09:52:00.006-04:00

News Lampoon threatening lawsuits

March 27, 2008--Last week this reporter posted a story on the News Lampoon about an L.A. Times article obtained through the Drudge Report concerning allegations by an alleged rap-world insider who claims Sean "Diddy" Combs was involved in the ambush and murder of fellow rapper Tupac Shakur. The Smoking Gun website reported yesterday that the L.A. Times story was false, which makes the News Lampoon story double false.

In light of this appalling development, the News Lampoon is considering filing lawsuits against the L.A. Times, the Drudge Report, and the "gangsta" doughboy who started it all--James Sabatino.

Chris Matthews stalking Obama

2008-03-26T08:53:00.001-04:00

Keeps sending 'creepy' love notes, text messages

March 26, 2008--The Barack Obama campaign has requested that federal authorities investigate MSNBC Hardball host Chris Matthews because of "creepy" text messages and handwritten love notes he has been sending to Obama.

"This is very painful," said Obama campaign manager David Plouffe when asked to confirm the story, "because Chris has been one of our staunchest supporters. Hardball has saved us millions in advertising dollars. We don't bother airing commercials during his show because Hardball has been an hour-long commercial in itself, and we are grateful to Chris for that. But if he does something weird, and I didn't try to protect Barack, I would never forgive myself."

See the rest of this creepy story!

www.newslampoon.com

Dazed actress threatens Chris Matthews

2008-03-25T11:04:00.003-04:00

'Arrested Development' star arrested

By Lex Goldman, Entertainment correspondent

March 25, 2008--Police say Hollywood actress Portia de Rossi was tousled and disoriented when they apprehended the former “Arrested Development” star outside Rockefeller Plaza Saturday morning.

De Rossi was wearing burlap and sporting a recently shaved head when she threatened political commentator Chris Matthews from a crowd gathered outside NBC Studios for a taping of the Today Show.

Witnesses said the actress appeared to be angered by Matthews’ well-publicized appearance on Ellen DeGeneres’ talk show Wednesday.

See the rest of this arresting story!

www.newslampoon.com

Barack's granny fires back!

2008-03-21T07:07:00.004-04:00

Denounces 'former grandson' via text message

Barack Obama's 86-year-old grandmother, Madelyn Dunham, who has come to be known by many as "Granny Dunham," has been, according to the Obama campaign, "unavailable for comment" to media.

After discovering that this poor woman is "unavailable" only because her treacherous grandson is having her held prisoner in Hawaii, we at the News Lampoon smuggled a cell phone into the heavily-guarded compound (paid for with Obama campaign funds) where Granny is being held.

Though some might think that hiring a high-end prostitute to perform this task is unethical, we decided, after much heated discussion, to go ahead and do it anyway. Frankly, we were worried about Granny Dunham.

See Granny's heartbreaking message.

www.newslampoon.com

Cheney paving way for next war

2008-03-20T10:03:00.001-04:00

Iranians thinking about nukes poses threat

Vice President Cheney:
"They could possibly be thinking about the possibility of restarting their nuclear weapons development program."

See the rest of this puzzling story!

www.newslampoon.com

Barack throws Granny under the bus!

2008-03-19T08:58:00.002-04:00

Calls 82-year-old grandmother white racist!

While seeking to save his own skin, Barack Obama displays cowardice by throwing his granny under the bus while defending racist pastor Jeremiah Wright!

Read the rest of this story of betrayal!

www.newslampoon.com

Combs more powerful than FBI!

2008-03-18T10:01:00.002-04:00

Feds frustrated by Diddy's riches

Former FBI agent:
"These rappers have more money than we do. P Diddy alone has four times as much money as the CIA and the FBI combined. With this money they are able to buy better equipment and hire smarter people than we can. It's frustrating. The average FBI agent's IQ has dropped significantly in the past 20 years, and this is directly attributable to rappers. The FBI has become the equivalent of the public defenders office."

See the rest of this smart story!

www.newslampoon.com

Trinity says goodbye to spiritual icon

2008-03-17T11:12:00.001-04:00

Congregation sets controversial Pastor Jeremiah Wright afloat on Lake Michigan!

By Herm Welty, Political correspondent

March 17, 2008, Chicago--The soothing rhythm of a Negro spiritual filled the crisp air at daybreak Sunday as more than 600 well-heeled members of Trinity United Church of Christ gathered on the icy shores of Lake Michigan to say farewell to a spiritual icon.

Tears ran down the cheeks of church elders when they pushed with long poles a thirty-ton block of ice into the wind-whipped white caps.

Read the rest of this chilling story!

www.newslampoon.com

Barack not audacious!

2008-03-17T06:19:00.003-04:00

Pastor Jeremiah Wright calls Obama 'chicken shit'; wants book title returned; Obama joining white church
"Typical of Barack, he couldn't come up with his own title. He had to plagiarize mine. If you want to know the truth, I didn't know about Barack's book until after it was published. I've been told that most of the content of the book is taken from other people's lives. I heard Barack say yesterday that he is nothing but a bunch of little pieces of America. Maybe he should use that as a title. Or is that already taken? Not that it would matter to Barack."

See the rest of this story of betrayal!

www.newslampoon.com

Some Skies Too Friendly?

2008-03-16T11:03:00.001-04:00

Woman suing airline after finding 'sticky substance' in her hair!

Read this startling story!

www.newslampoon.com

Another B.O. aide secret memo found

2008-03-14T09:50:00.004-04:00

Memo assures French Foreign Minister U.S. 'will be there' for France

According to the memo, an Obama presidency would be dedicated to finding new ways to rebuild goodwill between the U.S. and France, first of which would be to strike down smoking bans in U.S. cities. "As a smoker, Barack Obama understands the importance of being free to have a smoke anywhere one wants to, including government buildings, restaurants, hospitals, churches, and daycare centers," the memo reads. "As a further gesture of goodwill, every French man and woman entering the United States will be given a free carton of Marlboros.

Read more of the secret memo!

www.newslampoon.com

Bow Wow Wow!

2008-03-13T07:19:00.002-04:00

N.Y. Governorship goes to the dogs!

March 13, 2008, New York--You Fool! You paid 4,300 bucks for that? You humiliated your wife and three teen-aged daughters for that? You betrayed your friends and citizenry for that?

"That" has the deliciously melodramatic name Ashley Dupre. Formerly known as "Kristen the high-end prostitute," Ashley is the woman who helped bring down the Governor of New York.

Wow! er, bow wow. . . .

Read the rest of this study in bad taste.

www.newslampoon.com

Would the real George Fox please stand up?

2008-03-12T09:14:00.001-04:00

Client 9's mysterious alter-ego

March 12, 2008--When Eliot Spitzer, Governor of the State of New York, signed in at the the Mayflower Hotel in Washington, DC, to engage in unlawful sex with Kristen the high-end prostitute, he used the name "George Fox."

Not a bad alias, Eliot. Believable but clever. Solid yet lively. A little Father of Our Country mixed with canine trickster. In short, a perfect "John" alias, signaling to the discerning high-end call girl the promise of a "date" with a man of means who is not too boring, the promise of both quick cash and a quick orgasm.

See the Real George Fox!

www.newslampoon.com

Client 9, Client 9, Client 9 . . .

2008-03-11T07:47:00.002-04:00

New York Governor Eliot Spitzer's high-end high jinks

March 11, 2008, New York--Have you ever heard the Beatles' nightmarish Revolution #9? It was on The White Album, and is sort of a cut-and-paste montage of spooky-sounding chants, disembodied voices, and cacophony. Yoko (with John's help) put it together, so that should tell you something. Paul, George, and Ringo didn't like it. Nobody did. It wasn't music. Running throughout is one voice (a dead maitre d's?) saying, "Number 9, number 9, number 9. . . ."

It used to scare the crap out of me.

Welcome to hell, Eliot Spitzer, aka the Governor of New York, aka "Client #9."

Talibanders to U.S.: 'Send more money'

2008-03-10T09:26:00.001-04:00

Terrorists' electronics not up to date

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

March 10, 2008, Kabul, Afghanistan--The Taliban fighter handed me a cup of green tea and said, "I should kill you."

I set the cup down on the concrete floor where we sat facing each other, cross-legged on thin rugs. The curtains drawn, the room was dark. The interview was being conducted in secret, in a concrete Taliban "safe house"--if there is such a thing as a Taliban safe house. "If you divulge identity," said the Talibander, "I will kill you."

"You haven't told me your name," I said.

Read the rest of this terrorizing story!

www.newslampoon.com

Ray Nagin: 'I Am A Vagina-Friendly Mayor'

2008-03-09T00:06:00.000-05:00

Welcomes Vagina to to New Orleans, says, 'I'm in!'

See the rest of Nagin's warmly-received comments!

www.newslampoon.com

Eight-year-old lawyer being sued!

2008-03-08T18:33:00.002-05:00

Bar Association fears damage to reputation

From wire reports

March 8, 2008--In an unprecedented display of solidarity, lawyers around the world have united to file a class-action suit against an 8-year-old boy who passed an entrance exam to a Brazilian law school.

The boy, Joao Victor Portellinha, has set up an office in Sao Paulo and has already earned over $2,000,000. "Being a lawyer is easy," said little Joao. "All you have to do is lie, and they give you money. It's fun!

See your Eight-year-old lawyer

www.newslampoon.com

Obama aide calls Hillary a Monster!

2008-03-07T09:50:00.002-05:00

Also calls former First Lady 'unattractive'; photos seem to support assertions

By Tanya Murgatroyd, special to the News Lampoon

March 7, 2008--A Barack Obama aide finally said out loud in an interview with The Scotsman in London what the Obama camp has been whispering since 2005: Hillary Clinton is "unattractive."

In addition to saying Senator Clinton is unattractive, Samantha Power, Obama's key foreign policy aide, told the Scotsman's Gerri Peev that "[Hillary] is a monster, too – that is off the record . . ."

Oops! Too late, said The Scotsman editors. That is on the record, Ms. Power.

Read this rest of this mean-spirited story!

www.newslampoon.com

David Motari likes chillin' 'n killin' puppies!

2008-03-06T12:16:00.001-05:00

Liked hangin' with friends too--'Whatever happened to Semper Fi?'

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

March 6, 2008--Hiding out in his mom's basement "gets a little lonely," says U.S. Marine and puppy killer David Motari, "but I'm sure this'll all blow over soon."

This reporter wouldn't bet on it.

Obama says 'No short people'

2008-03-05T07:20:00.002-05:00

Doesn't want any 'shrimps' around him or in his line of sight!

Read this politically incorrect story!

Hillary Kicks Obama's Ass!

2008-03-05T05:59:00.001-05:00

Wins 3 of 4 States!

www.newslampoon.com

Author's harrowing tale a complete fabrication!

2008-03-04T06:51:00.002-05:00

Why not just call it fiction?

By Bruno Spinoza, News Lampoon body-language expert

March 4, 2008, Cleveland--I started reading it, but I couldn't stand it anymore, so I threw it away. They asked me because they know that I know about that kind of s--t. Oops. Excuse my French. But all you have to do is look at her face to know that she's a liar.

Read a Complete Fabrication

www.newslampoon.com

God endorses Obama!

2008-03-03T07:28:00.000-05:00

'I shall use All My Resources,' saith The Lord!

From a revelation

March 3, 2008, Chicago--Appearing in the form of Minister Louis Farrakhan of Chicago, Barack Obama's home town, The Lord announced early this morning his endorsement of Senator Obama for president.

See God

www.newslampoon.com

R.I.P. William F. Buckley, Jr.

2008-03-02T08:40:00.001-05:00

March 2, 2008

The passing this week of William F. Buckley, Jr. leaves me with much the same feeling, though slightly more intense, as did the passing of Gore Vidal, with whom Buckley sparred. The feeling is one of emptiness, if emptiness can be intense.

Read the rest of this tribute to William F. Buckley, Jr.

Give 'em hell, Harry!

2008-03-01T06:06:00.001-05:00

British prince now al Qaeda target; 'A little late, aren't they?' quips Harry

March 1, 2008--After 10 weeks of terrorizing Islamic terrorists, Prince Harry of Great Britain has finally been declared a "legitimate target" by al Qaeda.

"A little late, aren't they," quipped the prince early this morning. "I've been sending the buggers to Allah for weeks!"

www.newslampoon.com

Prince Harry decapitates Drudge!

2008-02-29T09:26:00.002-05:00

Bush bows to pressure from Brits and allows assassination

February 29, 2008--Bowing to pressure from the British government, President Bush allowed the kidnapping and murder of Matt Drudge for breaking the story that British Prince Harry was fighting terrorists in Afghanistan.

Read more of this unbelievable story!

www.newslampoon.com

Dean Calls for suspension of voting rights for white men and Hispanics

2008-02-29T07:48:00.001-05:00

DNC chairman says 'We need a strong, wiry black man in charge'

February 29, 2008--Democratic National Committee Chairman Howard Dean is calling for the suspension of voting rights for most white men and perhaps all Hispanic voters. White men who would be allowed to vote would include Dean, Ted Kennedy, Dennis Kucinich, and a few, select others.

See the rest of this amazing story.

Lou Dobbs is the Man!

2008-02-28T10:09:00.001-05:00

Lou Dobbs has made believers out of us!

Watch and learn how a true man handles "hot shots."

Congratulations, Dmitri!

2008-02-28T06:40:00.002-05:00

The News Lampoon wishes you, Dmitri Medvedev, "Congrats" on your upcoming landslide victory in this coming Sunday's Russian presidential 'election'!

The News Lampoon Editors

www.newslampoon.com

The worst cable 'news' person in the world!

2008-02-27T08:34:00.002-05:00

Who would have thought anyone could replace Bill O'Reilly as the worst cable news personality?

By Freddy Spinks, News Lampoon media specialist

February 27, 2008--Following are our three worst "news" personalities on cable television. The rankings are 1-5, with "1" being the least in a given criterion, "5" being the most. For instance, a "1" ranking in the "Stupidity" category would mean you're not all that stupid. If you couldn't figure that out yourself, you've earned yourself a "5" and might have what it takes to be one of these idiots masquerading as "journalists."

See Freddy's rankings

Stupid Fucking Idiots!

2008-02-26T04:38:00.002-05:00

The News Lampoon does what it can to bring what we think are the most interesting and thought-provoking stories of the day. Lately, Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have been in our pages on just about a daily basis. Frankly, we're getting tired of them.

But as tired as we are of the presidential candidates, when we look around for alternative stories, all we find are stupid fucking idiots!

Read about stupid fucking idiots if you can stand it.

www.newslampoon.com

Bill Clinton responsible for NAMBLA!

2008-02-25T08:17:00.001-05:00

Barack Obama says Hillary supported former president's promotion of sex between men and young boys

See Bill Clinton for the rest of this story

www.newslampoon.com

Obama receives Farrakhan Endorsement!

2008-02-25T06:07:00.005-05:00

Nation of Islam leader tries to recant but 'too late,' says Obama

From wire reports

February 25, 2008, Chicago--Minister Louis Farrakhan said Sunday that presidential candidate Barack Obama is the "hope of the entire world."

See the rest of this uplifting story.

www.newslampoon.com

News Alert!

2008-02-24T09:41:00.000-05:00

From wire reports

February 24, 2008--Ralph Nader announced this morning on Meet The Press that he will be running for president!

This is no joke!

www.newslampoon.com

Ahmadinejad demands personal apology from President Bush

2008-02-24T07:27:00.001-05:00

February 24, 2008, Crawford, TX--Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demanded Friday that the U.S. and its allies apologize for accusing Iran of seeking nuclear weapons.

Today Ahmadinejad revised his demand, saying he wants the apology to come from President Bush in person, at Bush's Prairie Chapel Ranch outside of Crawford, Texas.

"The President of the United States has never invited me to his ranch," Ahmadinejad told reporters as he held back tears. "I've never been to Camp David, either."

See the rest of this breaking story!

www.newslampoon.com

MSNBC's Shuster suspended again!

2008-02-23T06:43:00.002-05:00

'Thrown under the bus' comment 'way out of line'

By Duane Wordsworth, News Lampoon correspondent

February 23, 2008--MSNBC has suspended correspondent David Shuster for the second time this month, NBC News president Steve Capus announced late last night.

John McCain Slept with Me

2008-02-22T07:51:00.002-05:00

By Ariel Trebuchet, News Lampoon columnist

Washington--Nine years ago, when I was a congressional page, John McCain slept with me. He slept with all of us, except for the boys, of course. It's been pretty well documented who slept with the boys, and it certainly was not Johnny McCain.

See the rest of this fascinating narrative!

www.newslampoon.com

Obama lends funds to rivals!

2008-02-21T11:46:00.002-05:00

Political superstar wants Hillary and 'Mack' to 'put up a better fight'

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

February 21, 2008, Toledo--In an effort to help build goodwill and bolster the floundering campaigns of his rivals, political superstar Barack Obama has sent checks to Hillary Clinton and John McCain.

See the rest of this inspiring story!

www.newslampoon.com

Bizarre Population-Control Plot Uncovered!

2008-02-21T09:43:00.002-05:00

Radical groups want to curb U.S. population growth

By Song Hen, Far East Correspondent

February 21, 2008, Hong Kong--A recent e-mail intercepted by this correspondent led to an investigation which has uncovered a bizarre plot to reduce the population of the United States.

The entities involved include the City of Berkeley (COB), Code Pink (Pinko), the Planned Parenthood Federation of America (PPFA), the Human Rights Campaign (HRC), and the People's Republic of China.

See the rest of Song Hen's disturbing story.

www.newslampoon.com

Dear Mister President

2008-02-20T10:06:00.002-05:00

Commentary

An appeal from the American press

By Harv Klinger, News Lampoon News anchor (with Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter)

February 20, 2008--Dear Mr. President, I am asking you to come home. I don't blame you for not wanting to leave Africa, but we need you here.

See the rest of this profound & amazingly well-written essay

www.newslampoon.com

Texas Politician Speechless!

2008-02-20T02:17:00.001-05:00

Has nothing to say when asked about Obama's accomplishments

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

February 20, 2008, Youngstown--The News Lampoon's team of videographers were on the ball when they recorded footage of MSNBC's Chris Matthews catching Texas State Senator Kirk Watson with nothing to say.

Watch this amazing footage !

www.newslampoon.com

Jimmy Carter, El Presidenté?

2008-02-19T10:39:00.004-05:00

Carter and Cuba 'A Perfect Fit'

By Herm Welty, Political Correspondent

February 19, 2008, Miami--Fidel Castro’s surprise resignation has political analysts from Georgia to Havana wondering if former U.S. President Jimmy Carter might assume control of Cuba.

Read the rest of this breaking story: www.newslampoon.com

Hillary Switches Parties!

2008-02-19T04:49:00.002-05:00

Former Dem Candidate Fed Up with 'Back-Stabbers'

From wire reports

February 19, 2008, Akron--Hillary Clinton (R-New York) announced late last night after "a couple glasses of wine" that she is switching to the Republican Party.

"I just like what they're about," said the former Democrat. "They don't plagiarize, either," Clinton added, apparently in reference to recent charges that opponent Barack Obama repeated nearly word-for-word a speech by Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick without attributing it to him.

"Democrats are back-stabbers," said Mrs. Clinton. "I should know because I used to be one. When I was a Democrat, I stabbed countless people in the back. So did Bill [Clinton]."

See Hillary Switch Parties

www.newslampoon.com

Feds Probe Waxman's Nose!

2008-02-18T05:44:00.002-05:00

Evidence Rumored To Be Hidden in Congressman's Nasal Cavities

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

February 18, 2008, Washington--Amid allegations that Congressman Henry Waxman (D-California) has hidden evidence pertinent to the Roger Clemens steroids investigation in his nose, Congress requested that Waxman voluntarily allow a probe of his nasal cavities.

Federal agents wearing protective clothing and oxygen tanks entered Waxman's nostrils late last night after the congressman was given a mild sedative. As of 3:00 a.m. ET, they had found a locked filing cabinet, baseballs signed by Sandy Koufax, Don Drysdale, and Barry Bonds, and numerous video tapes.

See the rest of this amazing story

Hillary Calls Barack a Chicken!

2008-02-17T07:43:00.001-05:00

Barack 'Not a Fighter,' Says Hillary; Hillary 'A Racist' Counters Barack

By Duane Wordsworth

February 17, 2008, Oshkosh--In a statement calculated to infuriate her opponent, Hillary Clinton called Barack Obama "a chicken."

See the rest of this unbelievable story at www.newslampoon.com

Obama to Terrorists: ‘I Will Help You’

2008-02-16T19:10:00.001-05:00

Candidate Sending Subliminal Messages of Comfort to Al Qaeda Terrorists

By Herm Welty, Political correspondent

February 16, 2008, Cleveland--A Middle Eastern culture expert with ties to Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign says the series of faked fainting spells at recent Barack Obama political rallies are staged messages for Al Qaeda members fighting in Afghanistan.

Obama’s message to the terrorists: I will help you.

Read the rest of this amazing story at www.newslampoon.com

NewsLampoon.com To Launch Weekly Broadcast!

2008-02-16T04:59:00.004-05:00

The News Lampoon will be begin a series of weekly Youtube broadcasts beginning tonight. Click the link to see the promo.

Get your twisted news, humor & satire at www.newslampoon.com

School Bus-Sized Satellite To Hit North America!

2008-02-15T09:02:00.002-05:00

President Bush To Shoot the Moon!

By Mickey Sartre, News Lampoon cub reporter

February 15, 2008--The Government plans to deploy a navy warship to fire a missile at the military satellite known as "USA 193." The bus-sized defunct satellite floating over Scotland is soon to drop to Earth, and the Bush Administration is hoping to destroy it "before it lands on someone's head."

Navy personnel are preparing for the mission by blowing up school buses.

See the rest of this amazing story at www.newslampoon.com

Barack Hussein Obama Antichrist?

2008-02-14T06:54:00.003-05:00

Is Barack Hussein Obama the Antichrist?

Certain credible sources claim the popular presidential candidate is the Evil One's "left-hand man"!

Read this amazing story in today's NewsLampoon and tell us what you think!

www.newslampoon.com

Hamas Rabbit "Assud" Eats Jews!

2008-02-13T08:17:00.004-05:00

Assud the Rabbit Hates Jews So Much He Eats Them!

The cuddly creation by the Lebanese terrorist organization Hamas is sure to be a hit . . . if Assud isn't "hit" first!

Read more of Keith Rottweiler's aritcle about this cuddly killer at: www.newslampoon.com

Bobby Cutts Trial

2008-02-12T05:07:00.000-05:00

Bobby Cutts Article by Bruno Spinoza

Check out today's edition of the NewsLampoon.com and see body-language expert Bruno Spinoza's take on the Bobby Cutts Trial.

www.newslampoon.com Humor & Satire

Democrats Appoint "Super-Duper Delegates"!

2008-02-11T13:47:00.001-05:00

Democrats Appoint Super-Duper Delegates!

By Herm Welty, Political correspondent

In hopes of clearing up growing unease surrounding next summer’s selection of the Democratic presidential nominee, party leaders announced Monday the appointment of three "Super-Duper Delegates."

“The race is tight and it’s expected to get tighter,” said party spokesperson Dindy Myers. “This accounts for a worst case, deadlock scenario when we get to Denver.” Read more . . . See Super-Duper

wwww.newslampoon.com

Kevin Spacey, Mike Huckabee Brothers!

2008-02-11T05:57:00.000-05:00

Kevin Spacey, Mike Huckabee Brothers!

By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter

February 11, 2008, Hollywood--Now they're really taking the gloves off. In a move by the McCain campaign intended to force presidential candidate Mike Huckabee to withdraw from the race, McCain operatives have begun spreading a rumor that actor Kevin Spacey was fathered by Huckabee.

According to an inside source, Huckabee is supposed to have had a tryst with a waitress working at a roadside diner during a trip to Mississippi in 1958.

Huckabee would have been 4 years old at the time.

Huckabee: Born August 24, 1955

"I know I'm sexy, but not that sexy," said Huckabee. "Actually, this is just another of Senator McCain's dirty tricks. He's getting desperate. Guess I'm going to have to get Chuck [Norris] after him."

So the McCain-spread rumor is not true. But as Huckabee himself might say, "Where there's smoke, there's fire."

As the NewsLampoon investigated the story, the rumors that a relationship between Spacey and Huckabee existed would not go away. Numerous calls to Spacey went unreturned. Still we persisted. Eventually we caught up with him at a Hollywood Starbucks, and finally the truth came out.

Spacey: Born July 26, 1959

"I am Mike Huckabee's little brother," Spacey confessed. "It's not something I'm proud of, we're about as far apart politically as you could possibly be, but it's going to come out anyway, so I might as well tell you."

"Our father took me on a trip with him when I was just a baby, and he lost me somewhere in Mississippi. The rumor is he left me at a roadside diner. Anyway, he never reported it to the police because it was too embarrassing. So he just went on home with the faith that someone would find me and I would be alright, which is what happened. But I don't give credit to God, as my natural father might. I give it to the people who found and nourished and raised me, who loved me. My real parents, the Spaceys, not the Huckabees. Are you happy now?"

Confronted with the truth, McCain's campaign manager was unrepentent: "We thought the rumor we were spreading might be true."

www.newslampoon.com

Writers Guild Strike to End?

2008-02-10T14:57:00.000-05:00

Thank God!

By Duane Wordsworth, special to the NewsLampoon

February 10, 2008, Hollywood--After 14 weeks of contentious negotiations, it may finally be over.

The Writers Guild of America, one of the most powerful unions in the world, has finally reached a tentative agreement with the studios that needs only to be approved by the guild's membership before the writers can get back to work. Hollywood writers might be back to work as early as Wednesday.

"We have a deal," said Patric Verrone, president of the guild's West Coast branch. "We regret the stiket had to happen, but if the studios weren't so greedy, it wouldn't have."

"This is fantastic news," said President Bush. "This strike was crippling our economy and, by extension, the world economy. I was very to close to doing something about it as this was quickly becoming a matter of national security. Thankfully, they were able to resolve it themselfs." (sic)

In addition to economic and national security issues, the strike threatened the very fabric of American culture. With the Screen Actors Guild honoring the picket lines, the usually glitzy Golden Globe Awards show was a disaster. Thankfully, a waiver has been granted for tonight's Grammy awards. The fate of The Academy Awards show, however, scheduled for February 24, still remains in question as it has not yet been granted a waiver. The show's producers say it needs at least two weeks to do the writing.

"This needs to be worked out soon," said one Academy Awards show insider. "If not, the show may have to be shortened to only an hour or two."

Perhaps the greatest impact was felt in homes across the nation. "I was having to buy my kids books to keep them occupied, take them to the library," said a frazzled Erleen Cook of Memphis. "They were doing their homework, and so I had to help them with that. I had to teach them to read and write. What do they do in them schools?"

"My wife and I were having to waste a lot of time entertaining our children," said Jon Farris of Cleveland. "They wouldn't watch the re-runs, and they were getting sick of all the reality shows. They were hardly watching television at all. If they weren't outside getting into trouble, they were bothering us for attention, making us take them to Borders for their stupid books and magazines and CDs, take them to the movies. It was getting really tiresome and really expensive. It was cutting into my beer allowance. We almost had to sell the T.V."

Perhaps the saddest story was told by Tiffany Clark of Sacramento: "My kids refuse to watch television anymore. Now they like museums. Can you believe it?"

www.newslampoon.com

Shuster Says Chelsea "Pimped Out"

2008-02-09T05:54:00.000-05:00

www.newslampoon.com

By Mickey Sartre, NewsLampoon cub reporter

February 9, 2008--Emmy-winning MSNBC correspondent David Shuster implied Thursday that Chelsea Clinton is a whore being "pimped out" by her parents, Bill and Hillary Clinton.

While guest-hosting for Tucker Carlson on Carson's "Tucker" show, Shuster speculated out loud whether “Chelsea is sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way” by "making calls" to superdelegates.

"David's going to apologize again tonight," said Jeremy Gaines, MSNBC’s vice president for media relations. Shuster had already apologized Friday morning. He has since been placed on suspension but is scheduled to begin a cross-country "apology tour" beginning Saturday.

"I'm disappointed that David would insert himself into a news story this way," said news lion Keith Olbermann, known for his objective style. "That's just basic journalism. These day you can't let your beliefs or personal opinions enter in to it, no matter how much you hate Bill O'Reilly or President Bush, or anyone."

"I'll talk with the kid," offered Morning Joe co-anchor Mika Brzezinski with her usual horse-sense. "I've taught David a lot, and I know he can recover from this. But as I told him numerous times before, one must not become part of the narrative, no matter how many layers and levels it contains. One must maintain one's objectivity and, help me with this, what's the other word I'm looking for?"

Clinton campaign spokesman Howard Wolfson said on a conference call with reporters that the comment was “disgusting” and “beneath contempt.”

"And that goes for Chris Matthews, too, " said Wolfson, still angry at Matthews for saying Mrs. Clinton's success is due to sympathy over her philandering husband's antics. "He spit on anybody lately?" Wolfson added, apparently referring to Matthews' overactive salivary glands.

But there are some who say that there may be substance to Shuster's remark.

"Chelsea's a lot like her dad," said Blake Hornsby, who claims to be a college acquaintance of Chelsea's. "But she don't give it away for free."

Senator Clinton is scheduled to appear on the upcoming February 26 debate broadcast, but Wolfson says Hillary won't be there. "We hate MSNBC," he explained.

It has been speculated, however, that this whole thing was a ploy on MSNBC's part to sabotage the debate in light of the previous yawner telecast on CNN.

"Believe me, Shuster's getting a big bonus for that comment," said an MSNBC insider. "We're hoping to get the Republicans. They've suddenly gotten a lot more interesting."

Check us out on youtube

WARNING! YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER!

2008-02-08T08:13:00.000-05:00

WARNING!

YOU MIGHT BE IN DANGER!

Public Service Announcement

February 8, 2008--You could be in DANGER! If you don't take action IMMEDIATELY, you and your family and friends could PAY a HEAVY PRICE!

It has been reported to us that IMMINENT DANGER lurks near you and that you need to take certain steps to ENSURE YOUR SAFETY!

If you don't take these steps EXACTLY AS WE DESCRIBE THEM, we cannot be held responsible for any PERSONAL HARM incurred by YOU OR YOUR FAMILY!

This RED ALERT MUST NOT be ignored. If you do ignore it, you do so at your PERIL!

CONTACT US IMMEDIATELY IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS CONCERNING THIS IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT!

Details at eleven.

This "public service announcement" was inspired by do-anything-for-ratings television station program managers. This WARNING is now officially cancelled.

WWW.NEWSLAMPOON.COM

Elizabeth Edwards Awarded Booty Call Status

2008-02-07T06:18:00.000-05:00

By Duane Wordsworth, special to the NewsLampoon

February 7, 2008, Columbia, SC--John Edwards' attractiveness-rating as a running-mate may have just improved as his wife, Elizabeth, was awarded "Booty Call Material"-status by the online-dating service OnlineBootyCall.com.

The website, created by founder Moses (Mo) Brown, conducted an online poll enabling members to vote for the candidate and spouse who qualify as "Booty Call Material." Seventy percent voted Elizabeth Edwards top presidential spouse. As for the remaining candidates, Hillary Clinton garnered 55% to beat Barack Obama.

"I always thought Elizabeth Edwards was a fine-ass trophy," said Brown. "I guess my 'peeps' agree."

Asked where candidate Edwards ranked, Brown said, "He didn't even bump the needle. He's way too white bread for Booty Call."

"That' good for Edwards," said an Obama aide, "but Barack is not pleased. He thinks he should have been top candidate. Hillary beat him? Are you kidding?"

"This would really help the candidate who's looking to get more of the young, black, horny vote," said David Bonior, Edwards' former campaign manager. "I wonder who that might be?"

"Hillary would never recruit John Edwards," said a source close to Clinton. "John's way too ambitious. He's already stabbed her in the back numerous times, and she's afraid he would shoot her in the head if he ever became Vice President. Obama's people tell me they have the same fear. They've already gotten calls from John, and I'm sure with the Booty Call poll results in, they'll get another."

Edwards is said to be conducting a poll of his own to determine whether he should re-enter the race, perhaps as a third-party candidate.

"He really wants to be President," said a source close to Edwards. "He's disappointed that the Booty Call results didn't come out earlier. I think he called Mo and told him so." (Posted 3:58 a.m. ET; updated 6:14 a.m.)

Answer to yesterday's question: No, Mika Brzezinski is not the worst "journalist" ever, but she's close.

Read more NewsLampoon.com stories at:

www.newslampoon.com

You Blew It!

2008-02-06T06:34:00.000-05:00

You could have won 1 million dollars yesterday, but you blew it. For details, see yesterday's blog entry.

Today's question: Is MSNBC's "Morning Joe" co-anchor Mika Brzezinski the worst "journalist" ever?

Give us your responses.

We'll provide the correct answer tomorrow.

www.newslampoon.com

Super Tuesday--Win 1 Million Dollars!

2008-02-05T04:12:00.000-05:00

The NewsLampoon.com is prepared to award one million dollars in cash to the person who is successfully able to explain in a way our editorial monkeys can understand how it is that our election system works, from the primaries, caucuses, delegates, and super-delegates, to the electoral college. To win the cash, the essay must be submitted, read by our editorial panel, voted on, etc, before the first opening of polls today.

The successful essay will be published in the NewsLampoon.com.

The cash will be awarded in a ceremony (date tba) at "The Mall" in Washington, DC.

www.newslampoon.com

Belichick Says New York Cheated!

2008-02-04T04:34:00.000-05:00

February 4, 2008, Phoenix—Immediately after suffering a bitter defeat to the New York Giants in last night’s Super Bowl, New England Patriots Head Coach charged New York with cheating.

“But I’m not just talking about the Giants football team,” Belichick said. “I’m also talking about the New York Jets, and the entire city of New York.”

Read the full story at http://www.newslampoon.com/

Van der Sloot Lies Exposed Tonight

2008-02-03T09:44:00.000-05:00

February 2, 2008, The Hague, Netherlands—Joran Van der Sloot told a Dutch journalist Friday that he was lying when he lied about his story, “which was a bunch of lies,” Van der Sloot allegedly claims.
“I’m very sorry,” Van der Sloot reportedly said, his eyes reportedly welling up, “but I’m very confused right now. Pay no attention to my tears. I’m not crying.”
“I do believe he was telling the truth when he said he was lying,” said the journalist. “The crocodile tears proved it, I’d say.”

Read more at http://www.newslampoon.com

PATRIOTS FORFEIT SUPER BOWL!

2008-02-03T00:38:00.000-05:00

From wire reports

February 3, 2008, Phoenix—New England Patriots Head Coach Bill Belichick announced late last night that his team will not play in today’s Super Bowl game.

“We had a terrible week of practice,” said Belichick. “I couldn’t really see us doing much out there, so I sent everyone home.”

Get the rest of this story at http://www.newslampoon.com

Van der Sloot Lies about Lies!

2008-02-02T03:41:00.000-05:00

Breaking News: Joran Van der Sloot caught in another lie!

Read the full story at http://www.newslampoon.com today!