What would you do?

In support of the 'Ranting Rev'

April 29, 2008--What if someone you had loved and supported for twenty years had, in order to advance his career, publicly ridiculed you? What if you had taken this person under your wing, had, in a sense, adopted him? How would his betrayal make you feel?

Furthermore, what if that person's denunciation of you consisted of lies? What would you do?

See more betrayal!

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Obama a politician!

Barack's former pastor makes shocking revelation!

Barack is a politician? This will come as shocking news to many Obama supporters, especially Barack's legions in the news media. Why has the Pastor exposed Barack? And the prospect of an Obama presidency gave us such hope. . . .

Could we have been hoodwinked?

Please excuse me while I clean the tears off my keyboard.

Read the rest of this shocking revelation!

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Quest tries to hang himself from genitals!

CNN 'personality' found with 'favorite sex toy'

CNN reporter Richard Quest was busted over the weekend in Central Park. The New York papers report that it was "not immediately clear" what poor Richard was up to at 3:40 in the morning with his favorite sex toy tucked away in his boot other than he helpfully told police: "I've got some meth in my pocket."

Some are speculating that just because Richard also had a rope around his neck that was tied to his genitals and was with another man in the closed park that he might have been engaged in some sort of "hanky panky," but I've got a different theory.

Read more about Richard's Quest!

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News Lampoon staff to go on 'forced hiatus'

Publisher cites blogger deaths; workers fear brainwashing, heavier work load

The most ominous-sounding part of the memo informing us about the "hiatus" is the "free counseling (attendance mandatory)" paragraph. Mark my words: they're going to try to brainwash us into working more hours for less pay. He'll also try to get us on board with this "Draft Jesse Ventura" thing. If they try any of that crap on me, I'm walking.

See the rest of this disturbing story!

www.newslampoon.com

"Draft Jesse" Update!

Ventura agrees with 9/11 theorists!

April 4, 2008--We at the News Lampoon were startled and somewhat disappointed to learn that Governor Jesse Ventura said in an interview on the Alex Jones Show that he agreed with conspiracy theorists who contend the government lied to the American public about the circumstances surrounding the 9/11 terrorist attacks. Governor Ventura cited Loose Change, an hour-and-a-half-long film available on the Internet, as influencing him to change his opinion.

After watching Loose Change ourselves, we agree that it brings up disturbing questions. We think we better understand the Governor's position and are not prepared to write him off as a "wack job," as so many others have done. While we are not yet prepared to join the conspiracy theorists, we are looking into the matter and will let you know our opinion after we've thoroughly investigated both sides' claims.

In the meantime, we continue to support the "Draft Jesse" movement and urge you to watch Loose Change and decide for yourselves.

www.newslampoon.com

Could a Paul/Ventura tag team body-slam the Dem/Rep Powers That Be?

Some of us would like to find out

What do you say, America? Think we can convince Congressman Paul to draft Jesse? Isn't it at least worth a try? Or are you willing to settle for more of the same unfulfilled promises and lies? I, for one, think it would be refreshing to be able to believe what a candidate says, whether I completely agree with said candidate's positions or not. I'm sick of these poll-watching, finger-to-the-wind, spineless, party-line wimps being in charge of this great country. How have we allowed this to happen?

Call me irresponsible, say that "if you don't vote, don't bitch," say whatever you like, but if there's no one worth voting for, I'm not voting. I'll join the Governor and start calling for "None of the Above"--and wait for the Revolution to truly begin.

Read more about the Revolution!

www.newslampoon.com

Draft Jesse!

Paul/Ventura might be just the ticket to shake things up

April 2, 2008--Last night, Jesse Ventura appeared on Larry King's show and, as usual, made waves. Though he said the door to the presidency was all but closed for him, he did leave his fans some hope by not definitively saying that he would not run. He also caught the interest of Ron Paul's fans.

Most of us had thought the Paul candidacy was over, but as Yogi Berra said, "It ain't over till it's over." Or was it Hillary who said that?

Whether you think it's a good idea or not, you have to admit that a Paul/Ventura ticket would make things very, very interesting. First, Paul would probably have to get out of the Republican party and run as some sort of Independent. I confess ignorance as to how that works. This is not a "real news" site, and I'm not a political scientist. I'm a hack writer/editor who likes to make fun of people. The thought of watching arrogant Republicans and whiny Democrats squirm, well--to paraphrase how Chris Matthews described his Obama crush--makes my legs tingle. That, I admit, is a large part of the reason I would love to see this ticket printed. I want to see Jesse place a strangle hold on the the Republicans and Democrats and then body slam 'em.

Read more about this big-time ticket!

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Hamas children's video is poorly produced!

Not very convincing

Video Review

By Bruno Spinoza, News Lampoon body-language expert

April 1, 2008, Cleveland--Why they made me review this piece of garbage, I don't know. I guess they think the body-language expert is supposed to do all the s*** nobody else wants to do. This is puppets we're talking about. What kind of body language do puppets have?

I guess I could talk about the dialogue. In the first place, if I could reach through the screen and grab whoever's doing the talking and strangle them, I would. They're talking in these real high, sissy-sounding voices. Very irritating. In the second place, it's fake because everyone knows President Bush can barely speak English, let alone Jewish. Even if he did speak Jewish, to make it realistic they would have to make him screw up some of the words, and I didn't see anything like that here. I guess I could watch it again to make sure, but there's no way I'm watching this piece of s*** again.

See the Hamas poorly-produced video!

www.newslampoon.com