Writers Guild Strike to End?

Thank God!

By Duane Wordsworth, special to the NewsLampoon

February 10, 2008, Hollywood--After 14 weeks of contentious negotiations, it may finally be over.

The Writers Guild of America, one of the most powerful unions in the world, has finally reached a tentative agreement with the studios that needs only to be approved by the guild's membership before the writers can get back to work. Hollywood writers might be back to work as early as Wednesday.

"We have a deal," said Patric Verrone, president of the guild's West Coast branch. "We regret the stiket had to happen, but if the studios weren't so greedy, it wouldn't have."

"This is fantastic news," said President Bush. "This strike was crippling our economy and, by extension, the world economy. I was very to close to doing something about it as this was quickly becoming a matter of national security. Thankfully, they were able to resolve it themselfs." (sic)

In addition to economic and national security issues, the strike threatened the very fabric of American culture. With the Screen Actors Guild honoring the picket lines, the usually glitzy Golden Globe Awards show was a disaster. Thankfully, a waiver has been granted for tonight's Grammy awards. The fate of The Academy Awards show, however, scheduled for February 24, still remains in question as it has not yet been granted a waiver. The show's producers say it needs at least two weeks to do the writing.

"This needs to be worked out soon," said one Academy Awards show insider. "If not, the show may have to be shortened to only an hour or two."

Perhaps the greatest impact was felt in homes across the nation. "I was having to buy my kids books to keep them occupied, take them to the library," said a frazzled Erleen Cook of Memphis. "They were doing their homework, and so I had to help them with that. I had to teach them to read and write. What do they do in them schools?"

"My wife and I were having to waste a lot of time entertaining our children," said Jon Farris of Cleveland. "They wouldn't watch the re-runs, and they were getting sick of all the reality shows. They were hardly watching television at all. If they weren't outside getting into trouble, they were bothering us for attention, making us take them to Borders for their stupid books and magazines and CDs, take them to the movies. It was getting really tiresome and really expensive. It was cutting into my beer allowance. We almost had to sell the T.V."

Perhaps the saddest story was told by Tiffany Clark of Sacramento: "My kids refuse to watch television anymore. Now they like museums. Can you believe it?"

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